The other night I watched closing ceremonies for the Olympic Games. It was playing while Greg and I were hanging out with his childhood friend and I found that I couldn’t bring myself to look away. Like a sore tooth that you just can’t stop wiggling to see if it still hurts – and every time, it still does.

As I searched for my friends from the Team and athletes I recognized, it hit me that the Olympics started without me, went on without me, and ended without me. It’s all over and now everyone is coming back to their parades and parties, telling their funny stories and showing off their medals.

After the pain of the past two months, I am a bit envious of their experiences over the same time span. But I think that what makes it all so much worse is that there were just so many moments balanced on the edge of a knife. If just one of those moments had gone my way I would have been there.

Added to that is the betrayal I felt and when I found USA Swimming actively fighting against me. A radio talk show host told me that my trust of them was my first mistake. And perhaps it was. I would not have wasted so much time naively waiting for the leadership of USA Swimming to appeal the entries or work to put me on the team as they had told me they would. It’s a lesson I won’t soon forget and hopefully others will learn from what happened to me and take a more active role in protecting their interests.

Nothing can make up for the loss of that Olympic experience. I’m sure that at some point I will think of the Olympics and Swimming and not feel so hollow but it probably won’t be soon. All I’m left with are the decisions I have to make to pursue what is right. Not because this situation will ever be made right, we passed that point long ago, but because it is the right thing to do.

Swimming made history at the Games last week and it was pretty impressive. There were awe-inspiring performances by many of our swimmers and, of course, no one will forget what Michael Phelps did, there in that pool. I hope that their performances will inspire a new generation of swimmers who will continue our tradition of excellence. But now that swimming has finished at the Games I feel it is appropriate to again speak up about the conduct that destroyed my opportunity to compete in the Olympics.

A few things have happened since I shut down my commentary on the flawed selection process that wreaked havoc on my Olympic dreams a few weeks ago. Ron Judd of the Seattle Times broke the story of the lab mistake that allowed Jessica’s positive sample to sit for weeks in the lab. In the article, the lab acknowledged that they made a mistake in labeling the sample for normal testing instead of expedited. Obviously, this is a very frustrating revelation. Furthermore, the lab director said that no one from USA Swimming or the USOC called to check on the missing sample as the entry deadline approached.

In fact, I have heard USA Swimming officials say that they had every confidence that all of the drug tests would come back negative. While I can understand that no one would have expected a positive test, why do we take those tests in the first place if they aren’t going to consider and plan for the possibility? Even if the drug tests had come back by July 11th, as USA Swimming now says it expected, it is not certain that the hearing and appeals process could be finished by the entry deadline anyway. Regardless of how you look at it, USA Swimming was negligent in this situation, both in planning and execution.

I have read USA Swimming’s responses to the arbitration decision two weeks ago and witnessed their lack of acknowledgment that they made any mistake in this whole process. It has become clear to me that a simple rule change will not be enough to prevent another deserving athlete from being kept off the team in the future. We still need to change the rules but we also need to change the mindset behind the rules. USA Swimming needs to be reminded of their primary duty to the athlete. They need to remember that they must do what is best for swimming and the athletes not simply what is best for “US Swimming, Inc.”

During the arbitration the question was asked…what’s the worst that could happen if USA Swimming put me on the team as an alternate pending the outcome of Jessica’s hearing? The answer basically was that they could be sued. A lawsuit should not be USA Swimming’s worst nightmare. Their worst nightmare should be bungling their Olympic selection process, leaving someone at home who should be on the team. Their worst nightmare should be destroying someone’s dreams. We are living that worst-case scenario. The most disgusting part of it all is that USA swimming doesn’t really seem to care.

Obviously, the swimming has passed and it is too late for me to ever compete at these Games. But I am still working on this and still fighting to be named to the Team, if only for the honor. I will also continue in hopes that the right decisions will be made in similar situations in the future. Though this experience has been terrible, it could only be made worse if I had to watch someone else go through it four years from now and think that if I had only tried harder I could have saved them this sorrow.

I haven’t been watching the NBC coverage of the Olympics. But that’s mostly because, after paying the Beijing Organizing Committee some huge sum of money to switch finals to the morning Beijing time, they are tape delaying the swimming on the west coast (someone please explain that one to me). It doesn’t come on until 10 PM and apparently, the only place to watch it live is Al Jazeera, which is not one of my parents 10 channels. Instead, I have Greg check his iphone every 2 minutes while my family and I battle it out over the Scrabble board.

So it wasn’t until yesterday morning that I actually watched any swimming. I knew that the US men had taken the 4×100 free relay but I didn’t know how exciting it was until I saw Jason Lezak’s name plastered all over the internet. I just had to see it for myself. Wow! That was a great finish! And it seems to have ignited the team because last night they swam really well too.

One of the great swims from last night that I think I should mention is Rebecca Soni’s silver medal in the 100 breaststroke, the event she took over from Jessica Hardy and the one I took third in at Trials. I did feel a little sad looking at the results and thinking about what could have been but I was glad that she was able to take advantage of the opportunity presented to her. While I’d like to think that if I had been there I might have had a shot at it, she was the one in the water and she rose to the occasion. She earned that medal. Congratulations Rebecca.

Though there is more to say on this issue, I’ve decided to let my Olympic fight rest for a few days and take a little break from my personal drama to cheer for my friends at the Games. During that time, I wanted to take a bit of blog space to talk about the heroes of my cause.

I was incredibly touched by the support and effort of Bank of America, one of my primary sponsors. They stood up beside me and said that this situation needed to be made right. Their email and the copy of the letter that they sent on to the USOC was one of my emotional turning points in this situation. Their ability to cut through the bureaucracy, recognize the human side of the situation, and stand up for the little guy shows that they truly sponsor the Olympic Ideal rather than just the Olympics. Knowing that they were on my side, when I had been so disillusioned about others, gave me faith that I still had value as a person and an athlete.

Likewise, the interest and outrage of many members of the media has made me realize that it is not just me saying “Hey, what the heck!” Many journalists have referred to this blog or taken the time to email or call me to find out what is going on and how this situation could have come about. Among others, this story has been covered by Karen Crouse of the New York Times, Christine Brennan of the USA Today, Elliot Almond of the San Jose Mercury News, Ron Judd of the Seattle Times, Annette Griffus of the Kitsap Sun, Philip Hersh of the Chicago Tribune, and Lisa Dillman of the LA Times. This story could have been buried but these members of the press wouldn’t let that happen.

My lawyer, Michael Dockterman, has been inspiring in his dedication to doing what is right. He is tireless in his efforts to protect not only me but also the integrity of our sport and the Olympics from flawed rules, flawed logic, and flawed intentions. It has been a great pleasure to watch his passion in defending the ideals that have been the basis of my dream for the last four years.

It is also worth pointing out that I would not have made it past square one if it weren’t for my coaches. When I first heard the news of the positive test I put in an email inquiry to USA swimming but did not receive a reply. I may have not even noticed that something was wrong if not for Lea, who set me on the path of discovery and propped me up emotionally when I was too tired to continue.

I’d also like to recognize the courage of Natalie Coughlin, co-captain of the Olympic team, who offered me support during this situation both publicly and privately. This was certainly something that she did not have to do, especially when she is preparing for competition, but she did. It’s just another example of her class.

Finally, my family, friends, and fans who kept me going and sent me messages. Unless you’ve been through this experience, I’m not sure that it’s possible to understand the emotional roller coaster that is involved. But whenever I get down, I log onto my blog and check out the comments or read your emails and facebook messages and my strength to continue is restored.

All of this support has helped me reach the point that we are at today and your continued support will help me see this through to the end. But for now, let’s take a few days to enjoy the highest level of competition that our sport has to offer. Go Team USA!

Yesterday I participated in arbitration on this whole crazy situation. It was long and tough and not very enjoyable but it was something that had to be done.

At the end of it all, the Arbitrator found that the system was flawed and that that flawed system was applied to me and I suffered from it. He felt that he did not have the power to name me to the Olympic team because USA swimming did not go outside of it’s rules to avoid naming me to the team but that I still may have cause to ask for damages and a rule change. Since there isn’t a lot of urgency to these two things, the Arbitrator has set the matter over for at least a month, and I am going to think about picking them up at a later point to avoid being a distraction to the team.

It’s disappointing but not devastating. I haven’t had a great track record of things going my way lately but I still feel that we made progress. Not as much as I would like and not as much as I feel that I deserve, but progress nonetheless. I wouldn’t say that the decision suggests that USA swimming was right in what it did. It simply means that we can’t turn back time on what happened and make me and 2008 Olympian as I should be.

I wish Rebecca Soni, the person who is going to swim Jessica Hardy’s vacant spot, the best of luck. I’ll be cheering for her as hard or harder than anyone else and I hope that she and the rest of the team swim very well. I also hope that this has not been a distraction to them but I felt that it was necessary to everyone in swimming that I make this stand to have rules fixed for the future. It wasn’t something I enjoyed but it was something that had to be done.

USA swimming should not take this decision to mean that they won and that they don’t have to change anything. That’s why the Arbitrator has kept the case to consider what else it might be appropriate for him to do. Clearly, the selection procedures were flawed and only a fool would leave them as they are to await the next disaster. Let’s hope that at some point they are willing to acknowledge their mistake.

Today, Jessica Hardy withdrew from the Olympic team to continue her positive drug test appeal at a later date. Regardless of intent, this must be a terrible day for her. For all that I went through over the past month, her experience is certainly worse. But where does it all leave me, the third-place finisher behind Jessica? Not on the Olympic Team it seems.

USA swimming, citing trials criteria, has declined to add anyone to the team. However, I think that if you were to ask anyone at Trials what should happen if the first place finisher were to test positive for a banned substance, they would tell you that 3rd place would move up. Such is the culture of our sport. Not so today.

I’m frustrated and disillusioned. But most of all, I am saddened that the people and organizations that I gave a huge part of my life to couldn’t bring themselves to do the right thing. To make this situation right. I do not believe that the will to act could not have changed this situation.

It is clear that along this road, from the timing of trials, to the USADA testing, to who knew what on July 21st, to this last decision, errors were made.  And at this point, no one in the leadership of our sport is acknowledging that. Or if any acknowledgment is made, it is an ever-circling blame game.

What disappoints me the most is that this may very well be my final taste of swimming. I’ll always take joy in the success of my friends and the girls that I mentored but it’s hard to imagine a time when my memories of swimming will not be flavored with the bitterness of this situation.

I’m not sure what I can do for myself. But I think that it is vitally important to make sure that something like this doesn’t happen again. I don’t think that change can occur without the acknowledgement that mistakes happened. But since no mistakes are being admitted to, that means that my fight is not over.

The beauty of our sport has always been its ability to be so starkly black and white. In the swimming world our judge is the clock. Our measuring device cannot lie, it cannot blink, and it cannot make an error in judgment. It can be brutal, as I learned first hand at trials, but it is always fair.

The judgment of the clock is something that I accept. And no matter how I rail against the vagrancy of fate in the separation of 100th of a second, I understand that the clock holds the final sway. But now I suspect that I am not on the Olympic team because of a human decision. And that does not sit well.

The excuse that the deadline for nominations to the U.S. Olympic Team has passed is an empty explanation for my exclusion from the team. I have been told by people within the USOC and USA swimming that USA swimming knew about the positive drug test before the entry deadline.

I’m not sure what to think about this as I have talked with many different people who have been telling me different stories. I have asked others to investigate what happened and my future options. I want to believe that there are people at USA Swimming and the USOC doing the right thing. I hope that they are.

I know that there is the option of arbitration before me. But I am hesitant to be the swimmer who forces her way onto the team. And there is still the issue of Jessica’s hearing. Honestly, I hope that she is found innocent of doing anything wrong. If she didn’t cheat then she should have the spot that she has been preparing for.

All of the rest of this is to figure out the landscape around her fight. I have always considered myself a team player and want the U.S. to do it’s best in Beijing. But on the other hand, if that spot opens up, it is my spot. And I should be given the option of swimming.

I deserved to have honesty and transparency from USA Swimming. I have been team captain of four national teams. I have been involved in USA Swimming developmental camps. I have always put myself forward to be their good example. I understand what representing this country means.

Here is what I want to have happen: USA swimming fights to put Lara, Amanda, and me on the team in the unhappy event that Jessica cannot take up her spot. They name us to the team and we train. USA Swimming works to give us the option to swim, a difficult task as they have to make it through the IOC and FINA.

When the final entry deadline for individual events comes up we evaluate where we are and if it would be best to have other athletes swim our events. There would be no reason for us to lie as we would already be named to the team and no one wants to be embarrassed at the Olympics.

My Olympic dream was always to represent my country in triumph. I would never steal that opportunity from Rebecca Soni if I didn’t think that I could give it an honest effort. What I think that I deserve (again this is only if Jessica’s hearing does not go well) is the opportunity and the option to see what I can do.

What I really wish is that none of this had happened. I was on the road to recovery and now it is all messed up.

A note to everyone who’s wondering what’s going on.

Greg told me Thursday morning that he had read in the Mercury News online that Jessica Hardy, one of the girls who finished ahead of me at Trials, had tested positive for a banned substance. The media was also reporting that the roster for the Olympic Team had already been finalized and that I could not be added to the team.

I had and still have many questions pertaining to the timeline of events and the results of these tests. I feel certain that someone along the way failed me and Lara, who would have been named to the team in the 50 free. The results of the drug test should have come back earlier, at least in time to name alternates to the team. It has, after all, been three weeks since the tests were taken. Did they come back earlier? If so, why am I just hearing about it by reading the newspaper and why am I not on the team? If not, why did they take so long?

I emailed USA swimming but did not get a response over the day.

In the evening I called Lea, my coach, who was trying to figure out exactly what had happened. It seemed that people were simply saying the deadline had passed and that we had to move on. That answer was not good enough for either of us. It is not acceptable to us that the dreams and work of four hard years be shrugged off on a technicality.

I called the head of USA swimming and left a message. He called me back and said that they were following entry procedures and that it was too late to add me to the team and that Jessica would be going through appeals for her drug test. I asked him to make an appeal to change the final roster and, after a long and emotional plea, he agreed.

That is where I am at right now. Before today I had thought that responsibility for me not making the team rested on my shoulders. If I had just swum to my abilities I would have made the team. It was a difficult situation but one in which I could only look within for answers. Today the situation seems much more gray. The fault now lies on many shoulders and I fear that incompetence, laziness and deceit may have played a role. That is much harder to take. Regardless of intent, mistakes were made and I am paying for them.

People I trusted to do their jobs and to ensure the working order of the system we put in place for our sport failed me. I hope that I am not being unreasonable in my analysis of the situation. But I just cannot stand the thought of these organizations, which are supposed to protect me, sitting on their hands while my dreams are being ripped away. I cannot go quietly away in this; I’ve worked too hard. I hope that you support me.

I have itchy feet.  And not the kind you get when you want to travel.  Though, at this point, if I could make a career of running away I would.  No, I have itchy feet from walking, running, marching, and climbing all over this island on feet that are more used to water than the insides of shoes.

I’m growing calluses on my soles but I hope that in my recovery, my soul is not growing callous.  I don’t want a heart that’s scarred and hardened.  Missing making the Team this summer has crushed parts of me but I’m wary of some of the paths of healing, knowing that a few will make me into a person I don’t want to be.  So I move slowly, exhausting myself with the sights and sensations of Western Ireland until I can see my way forward.

Last week, Greg and I climbed Mt. Slievemore here on Achill.  It was a struggle at times and I realized that 15 years of kicking breaststroke had changed my knees more than I had thought.  But when we reached the top we were rewarded with an awe-inspiring view of most of the island.  The wind was strong and it seemed as if I could just jump and float on it like an osprey on an updraft.

Greg and the Irish wind have been my constant companions over the past weeks.  Greg shadows me like a wolf caring for it’s wounded mate.  He weathers my defensive snapping and turbulent moods with a patience I could never command.

The wind fills the silence, for which I am ever grateful.  Sometimes, while you are out walking you can’t hear anything as the wind shrieks over your ears, not even your own thoughts.  We’ve had unseasonably bad weather but it suits me.  The beautiful days in California were too much of a foil for my bleak heart.

A few days ago it was time to end the solitude.  My friend Zach was only a few hours away in Galway and I hadn’t seen him in over a year.  But I found myself scared of meeting my old friend, who had known me before I had broken my heart.  The only people I have really seen since Trials have been Greg, Dana, Andrew and Lacey.  People who were there when it happened and knew what it meant.

I’m afraid that others will see someone who has fallen, and think less of me for it.  But I think that I underestimate my friends.  Zach was just happy to see me, Olympics or not.  We had a great time and I was entranced as he told stories of his year of travel around the world.  In the end it was just two friends catching up.

It’s just another wound that’s starting to heal.  I’m finding them in the most unexpected places.  Take Scrabble.  I’ve never been ok with losing but now it’s even worse.  Greg hasn’t gotten any pieces thrown at him yet but, well, let’s just say I don’t think he’s rooting for himself to win.

Still, life goes on.  I’ve only been here two weeks.  It seems so short yet almost a lifetime.  When I get back, I’ll have weddings to go to and people to see.  Strange as it is to me, the world didn’t stop on July 1st.  I would do well to remember that.

It was a strange feeling, walking down the jet way, passport in hand, on my way to Ireland.  Like déjà vu for the thing that had not happened.  I was heading out of the country for the summer, but heading East instead of West

I hoped that Ireland could heal me and I left California shortly after I ran away from Trials.  By then I felt as though the raw disappointment of those first days had coalesced into solid lead inside of me.  Like cooling lava, it was no longer bursting forth, but just lay there, heavy as stone.

And as time has gone by, I’ve found that I have discovered a sort of peace here.  Some solace in the wind and solitude.  Here, you can be lost in the blue gray of the ocean, the ruin of high stone cliffs, and the majesty of long dead monuments.

On our first day here, Greg and I visited the Hill of Tara, seat of the High Kings of Ireland. We touched Lialh Fáil, the stone of destiny. Lost baggage left us ill prepared for the slick wet grass and cutting wind.  Still, the vast emptiness of the place, the sense of past drama and even that cold wet wind seemed to fill some sort of void in my heart.

Now we have set up at the summerhouse of one of my teammates on stark and beautiful Achill Island.  The house is the type of place that has no address, just a few distant neighbors and their twelve cats.  It has been comforting to find out that I have many friends who care for me and not for my success.  They have all come through more than I had ever expected, offering me help at a time when it’s most needed.

As the days pass, I feel the burden of my disappointment less and less.  It is by no means lighter.  Instead, it’s as if the exercise of carrying it and not collapsing under its weight has made me stronger and I can go longer and longer before I notice it.

Now, I can laugh with a gasp at our tiny car becoming airborne off a huge sideways bump in the road.  I chuckled at the local crazy bartender’s response to Greg’s question about the taste of a certain local beer - “It’s beer.”  I even found humor when we figured out halfway through our quick run this morning that it had accidentally turned into a 6+ mile trek.

I have faith that happy days and great days will still come to me and bury the disappointment of this summer beneath them.  I doubt that I will ever forget the pain of what could have been but I will remember that greatness of spirit cannot be left behind in a swimming pool.