I’d like to write about two things that happened in the past couple of weeks that strike me as incredibly ironic.

The first has to do with a water bottle. As you may know, any athlete who has been ranked in the top 100 of the world can be randomly drug tested at just about any time. We all have to fill out paperwork months in advance so that the USADA drug testers know where they can find us any minute of any day.

On September 1 we all had to submit our location forms for the October – December quarter. I submitted my forms on August 31. Ten days later, I received an email notification from USADA that I was one of 14 lucky winners of a USADA water bottle for turning my forms in on time. The next day the water bottle appeared on my doorstep.

USADA awarding me for my timeliness – how ironic. It had taken them less time to award and send me the water bottle than it did for them to run that very important drug test in early July. I appreciate the gesture, but I’m sorry, the water bottle doesn’t make me feel any better.

The second topic I wanted to discuss has to do with the continuation of my arbitration with USA Swimming, which they are trying to block. It’s been a little frustrating but I was prepared for mudslinging when I determined that defending my rights and the rights of future athletes was the right thing to do.

Now, I find that not only did USA Swimming prevent me from going to the Games, but they have also asked the arbitrator to make me pay all of their attorney’s fees and other relief. Is this ironic or tragic? Or maybe it’s just disgusting.

It could be a scare tactic, a way of strong-arming me into giving up on what is right. They know that I’m not doing as well financially – mostly because of the actions that they took this summer – so hurting me financially becomes their tactic. If so, it is simply mean-spirited bullying.

I would say this entire situation is a double insult or triple insult, but I think that I will have to call it an infinity insult because as we add things on – it is already so ridiculous that it really doesn’t get any worse.

What happened to me this summer is so confusing, even to myself. I thought that I would take an opportunity to lay some of it out for clarity’s sake. I feel like this whole thing is being swept under the rug and I just can’t let that happen until we correct it. I can’t let people forget that arbitrary rules were used to violate what they were meant to protect. And I can’t let USA Swimming forget its responsibility to its athletes. There are still a few things that I have to keep back because my case is still pending. But there are other things that I can talk about now.

From the very beginning, from my first contact with USA Swimming, I asked them to do the right thing and name me to the team. And for a while I believed that they would help me and defend my opportunity to compete, as federal law requires them to do. Chuck and Mark both told me in those early days that they would appeal the final entries and work to get me on the team. How foolish I felt later, when I realized that the very people who I was begging to help me and who were promising to do so were the people who had consciously put me in the position I was in the first place.

It was only when I realized that USA Swimming was doing nothing to try and put me on the team and, actually may have been actively working to keep me off the team, that I contacted Michael Dockterman, my lawyer. We drafted a letter to USA Swimming but did not send it because I was in contact with the USOC Athlete Ombudsman, who asked me to hold off because he was trying to broker some sort of deal to at least get us (Amanda, Lara, and me) named to the team. On the evening of July 31st, he told me that he thought that he had gotten some people within the USOC turned around. I later learned that the USOC had at that time put the offer on the table to USA Swimming to name us to the team.

On the evening of August 1st, as I was biking back home from practice, I got a call from the USOC Athlete Ombudsman. He told me that Jessica had withdrawn her appeal and would not be on the team. He then told me that he had received an email from USA Swimming that had informed him that they would not be naming anyone else to the roster – they had turned down the USOC’s offer to place us on the team. He made it clear that the USOC would do nothing further for me – even though the USOC has its own duty to protect my opportunity to compete – as long as my own NGB, USA swimming was against naming me to the team. At that point I felt that I had no choice but to act through my lawyer.

Until that moment, I had clung to the faith I had mistakenly placed in USA Swimming. I thought that we could make this as right as possible, that we wouldn’t have to go before an arbitrator, that, given the opportunity, those who I had previously trusted would prove themselves worthy of that trust. I thought that, as one of their athletes they would stand by me. Not only did they decline to do that but, as they proved later, they actively worked to discredit me.

I then entered arbitration to try to force USA Swimming to do the right thing and name me to the team. At no point along this whole process was I insisting on competing if I didn’t feel I was ready (and USA Swimming knew that). But I did feel that I deserved the opportunity to go to Beijing and determine that for myself. I remember walking out of the pool on the day before the arbitration hearing saying to Greg, my fiancé, “If I were in China and had a practice like that at this point before the Olympics I would feel really good.” The hearing took place on August 5th.

There were a lot of inconsistencies found during testimony. For example, USA Swimming said that its selection procedures didn’t allow it to add alternates to the team. But USA Swimming admitted that it asked the USOC to add Kara Lynn to the team to fill a “vacancy” created when Dara decided not to swim the 100 free. This didn’t make sense because, according to the rules, Dara dropping the 100 free didn’t create any vacancy in the relay, which she did not drop. In fact, there are no rules at all that determine who, among the first four finishers, swims the 100 free individual (check for yourself – the rules only deal with the relays, not the 100 or 200 free individuals). For an NGB that was relying so heavily on the “rules” it was striking that there is nothing in the rules that actually determines who swims the 100 and 200 free. Dara declining to swim the individual event meant that she was only trading positions with the third place person, Lacey, so no vacancy on the roster was actually created. Someone at USA Swimming must have known this. Why else would they seek to gain special permission from the USOC to add Kara Lynn to the roster? This means that when they added Kara Lynn to the team, it was actually either as an alternate to Emily (against their rules), who later had to swim a time trial to gain her spot, or without a vacancy at all (also against their rules).

I’m not bringing this up to say that Kara Lynn shouldn’t have been added to the team – they did the right thing there. If Emily had not been able to swim, they were protecting Kara Lynn’s opportunity to compete. I only wonder why they would do the right thing in adding Kara, when it was not specifically within their rules and then refuse to do the same for Amanda, Lara, and me?

We also learned that USA Swimming had the chance to address this problem on July 21, when its rules allowed it to go outside the “team” to add swimmers, and when it was more than likely Jessica would not be able to swim. But they made a deliberate decision to wait until after July 21, when they could argue that the rules provided that any substitutes had to come from those already on the team. Of course, the real deadline to name members to the team imposed by the BOCOG and the USOC was July 23, which USA Swimming ignored. It was plain that USA Swimming’s devotion to “rules” applies differently to different athletes.

We also asked Chuck the obvious question: if selection for the 100 freestyle individual event is not included in the selection procedures, is that a mistake? Chuck continually dodged the question and in the end would not answer it. It was a disturbing moment in which it became clear that USA Swimming would never admit to any mistakes, even if they were staring them straight in the face. It was plain that there were other problems with the rules and the timing set by USA Swimming to select the team, but when those flaws became apparent USA Swimming refused to ask the USOC to be able to address the problems. Other inconsistencies occurred, but we still need to get more information on those before I am comfortable with discussing them.

However, even though USA Swimming had been flexible with the rules in regard to the 400 freestyle relay, the arbitrator found that USA Swimming did not violate any of its rules, flawed as they were, to keep me off the team. So he could not name me to the team and could not force the USOC – which refused to be part of the arbitration – to take the issue to FINA and BOGOG. Still, the arbitrator expressly allowed me to move forward in this with considerable momentum and I am going forward to make sure this does not happen to anyone else ever again.

After the arbitration Chuck sent out a letter. This letter was reportedly an internal communication to USA Swimming but was conveniently leaked to the press. The heavy-handed attempt to vilify me was clear from the very first line. A second letter attempted to shift blame for this situation onto Jessica’s shoulders. Unfortunately, USA Swimming had seemingly forgotten that it is an organization that is supposed to be watching out for their athletes. The letter also went on to compare Jessica’s doping violation to a cancer victim, which I found shockingly callous. Perhaps I should have responded then but I shut down further commentary to prevent my situation from becoming a distraction to the team.

Over the next few weeks I also found out about the mistake that lead to Jessica’s positive sample sitting in the lab for weeks and the delayed fax. While the increasing pieces of bad luck shocked me, I had already gone over the testing and hearing process and realized that it probably wouldn’t have mattered. With the schedule set by USA Swimming and the gap in its rules to deal with doping, there was no guarantee that the extra time would have made a difference. The one bright point here was that someone at the lab acknowledged and apologized for their mistake.

Behind the scenes, Michael, my lawyer, was writing letters to the USOC to ask them to name me to the team because it was the right thing to do, was what I had earned at the Trials, and was required by federal law protecting my opportunity to compete in the Olympics. However, the USOC took the position that they cannot undermine the authority of their NGBs by taking any action inconsistent with the NGBs’ wishes. It is a nice little box for everyone to retreat into. The USOC says that the team is determined by USA Swimming so they can’t do anything. USA Swimming says that it is the USOC’s team so they can’t do anything. Convenient…for everyone but the athlete.

At this point, I think that I’ve pretty much exhausted the avenues of asking people to help me. Unfortunately, everything after this point will have to be fought for. And I feel that it is something I have to pursue. I make a statement by continuing but I also would make a statement in walking away. If I did that, I would say that it is ok to tread all over the athlete’s rights.

This isn’t about money or revenge. This is about making this situation right. This is about fighting for my rights and the rights of other athletes. USA Swimming needs to remember that the reason for its existence is the athletes. The three of us – Lara, Amanda, and I – deserve an apology from them and we deserve to be named to the Olympic team. We need to fix the rules or change the timing of Trials so that no athlete can ever be kept off the team if an athlete ahead of them fails a doping test. I am doing what I can to motivate this change and I am steadfast in my conviction to do so.

The other night I watched closing ceremonies for the Olympic Games. It was playing while Greg and I were hanging out with his childhood friend and I found that I couldn’t bring myself to look away. Like a sore tooth that you just can’t stop wiggling to see if it still hurts – and every time, it still does.

As I searched for my friends from the Team and athletes I recognized, it hit me that the Olympics started without me, went on without me, and ended without me. It’s all over and now everyone is coming back to their parades and parties, telling their funny stories and showing off their medals.

After the pain of the past two months, I am a bit envious of their experiences over the same time span. But I think that what makes it all so much worse is that there were just so many moments balanced on the edge of a knife. If just one of those moments had gone my way I would have been there.

Added to that is the betrayal I felt and when I found USA Swimming actively fighting against me. A radio talk show host told me that my trust of them was my first mistake. And perhaps it was. I would not have wasted so much time naively waiting for the leadership of USA Swimming to appeal the entries or work to put me on the team as they had told me they would. It’s a lesson I won’t soon forget and hopefully others will learn from what happened to me and take a more active role in protecting their interests.

Nothing can make up for the loss of that Olympic experience. I’m sure that at some point I will think of the Olympics and Swimming and not feel so hollow but it probably won’t be soon. All I’m left with are the decisions I have to make to pursue what is right. Not because this situation will ever be made right, we passed that point long ago, but because it is the right thing to do.

Swimming made history at the Games last week and it was pretty impressive. There were awe-inspiring performances by many of our swimmers and, of course, no one will forget what Michael Phelps did, there in that pool. I hope that their performances will inspire a new generation of swimmers who will continue our tradition of excellence. But now that swimming has finished at the Games I feel it is appropriate to again speak up about the conduct that destroyed my opportunity to compete in the Olympics.

A few things have happened since I shut down my commentary on the flawed selection process that wreaked havoc on my Olympic dreams a few weeks ago. Ron Judd of the Seattle Times broke the story of the lab mistake that allowed Jessica’s positive sample to sit for weeks in the lab. In the article, the lab acknowledged that they made a mistake in labeling the sample for normal testing instead of expedited. Obviously, this is a very frustrating revelation. Furthermore, the lab director said that no one from USA Swimming or the USOC called to check on the missing sample as the entry deadline approached.

In fact, I have heard USA Swimming officials say that they had every confidence that all of the drug tests would come back negative. While I can understand that no one would have expected a positive test, why do we take those tests in the first place if they aren’t going to consider and plan for the possibility? Even if the drug tests had come back by July 11th, as USA Swimming now says it expected, it is not certain that the hearing and appeals process could be finished by the entry deadline anyway. Regardless of how you look at it, USA Swimming was negligent in this situation, both in planning and execution.

I have read USA Swimming’s responses to the arbitration decision two weeks ago and witnessed their lack of acknowledgment that they made any mistake in this whole process. It has become clear to me that a simple rule change will not be enough to prevent another deserving athlete from being kept off the team in the future. We still need to change the rules but we also need to change the mindset behind the rules. USA Swimming needs to be reminded of their primary duty to the athlete. They need to remember that they must do what is best for swimming and the athletes not simply what is best for “US Swimming, Inc.”

During the arbitration the question was asked…what’s the worst that could happen if USA Swimming put me on the team as an alternate pending the outcome of Jessica’s hearing? The answer basically was that they could be sued. A lawsuit should not be USA Swimming’s worst nightmare. Their worst nightmare should be bungling their Olympic selection process, leaving someone at home who should be on the team. Their worst nightmare should be destroying someone’s dreams. We are living that worst-case scenario. The most disgusting part of it all is that USA swimming doesn’t really seem to care.

Obviously, the swimming has passed and it is too late for me to ever compete at these Games. But I am still working on this and still fighting to be named to the Team, if only for the honor. I will also continue in hopes that the right decisions will be made in similar situations in the future. Though this experience has been terrible, it could only be made worse if I had to watch someone else go through it four years from now and think that if I had only tried harder I could have saved them this sorrow.

I haven’t been watching the NBC coverage of the Olympics. But that’s mostly because, after paying the Beijing Organizing Committee some huge sum of money to switch finals to the morning Beijing time, they are tape delaying the swimming on the west coast (someone please explain that one to me). It doesn’t come on until 10 PM and apparently, the only place to watch it live is Al Jazeera, which is not one of my parents 10 channels. Instead, I have Greg check his iphone every 2 minutes while my family and I battle it out over the Scrabble board.

So it wasn’t until yesterday morning that I actually watched any swimming. I knew that the US men had taken the 4×100 free relay but I didn’t know how exciting it was until I saw Jason Lezak’s name plastered all over the internet. I just had to see it for myself. Wow! That was a great finish! And it seems to have ignited the team because last night they swam really well too.

One of the great swims from last night that I think I should mention is Rebecca Soni’s silver medal in the 100 breaststroke, the event she took over from Jessica Hardy and the one I took third in at Trials. I did feel a little sad looking at the results and thinking about what could have been but I was glad that she was able to take advantage of the opportunity presented to her. While I’d like to think that if I had been there I might have had a shot at it, she was the one in the water and she rose to the occasion. She earned that medal. Congratulations Rebecca.

Though there is more to say on this issue, I’ve decided to let my Olympic fight rest for a few days and take a little break from my personal drama to cheer for my friends at the Games. During that time, I wanted to take a bit of blog space to talk about the heroes of my cause.

I was incredibly touched by the support and effort of Bank of America, one of my primary sponsors. They stood up beside me and said that this situation needed to be made right. Their email and the copy of the letter that they sent on to the USOC was one of my emotional turning points in this situation. Their ability to cut through the bureaucracy, recognize the human side of the situation, and stand up for the little guy shows that they truly sponsor the Olympic Ideal rather than just the Olympics. Knowing that they were on my side, when I had been so disillusioned about others, gave me faith that I still had value as a person and an athlete.

Likewise, the interest and outrage of many members of the media has made me realize that it is not just me saying “Hey, what the heck!” Many journalists have referred to this blog or taken the time to email or call me to find out what is going on and how this situation could have come about. Among others, this story has been covered by Karen Crouse of the New York Times, Christine Brennan of the USA Today, Elliot Almond of the San Jose Mercury News, Ron Judd of the Seattle Times, Annette Griffus of the Kitsap Sun, Philip Hersh of the Chicago Tribune, and Lisa Dillman of the LA Times. This story could have been buried but these members of the press wouldn’t let that happen.

My lawyer, Michael Dockterman, has been inspiring in his dedication to doing what is right. He is tireless in his efforts to protect not only me but also the integrity of our sport and the Olympics from flawed rules, flawed logic, and flawed intentions. It has been a great pleasure to watch his passion in defending the ideals that have been the basis of my dream for the last four years.

It is also worth pointing out that I would not have made it past square one if it weren’t for my coaches. When I first heard the news of the positive test I put in an email inquiry to USA swimming but did not receive a reply. I may have not even noticed that something was wrong if not for Lea, who set me on the path of discovery and propped me up emotionally when I was too tired to continue.

I’d also like to recognize the courage of Natalie Coughlin, co-captain of the Olympic team, who offered me support during this situation both publicly and privately. This was certainly something that she did not have to do, especially when she is preparing for competition, but she did. It’s just another example of her class.

Finally, my family, friends, and fans who kept me going and sent me messages. Unless you’ve been through this experience, I’m not sure that it’s possible to understand the emotional roller coaster that is involved. But whenever I get down, I log onto my blog and check out the comments or read your emails and facebook messages and my strength to continue is restored.

All of this support has helped me reach the point that we are at today and your continued support will help me see this through to the end. But for now, let’s take a few days to enjoy the highest level of competition that our sport has to offer. Go Team USA!

Yesterday I participated in arbitration on this whole crazy situation. It was long and tough and not very enjoyable but it was something that had to be done.

At the end of it all, the Arbitrator found that the system was flawed and that that flawed system was applied to me and I suffered from it. He felt that he did not have the power to name me to the Olympic team because USA swimming did not go outside of it’s rules to avoid naming me to the team but that I still may have cause to ask for damages and a rule change. Since there isn’t a lot of urgency to these two things, the Arbitrator has set the matter over for at least a month, and I am going to think about picking them up at a later point to avoid being a distraction to the team.

It’s disappointing but not devastating. I haven’t had a great track record of things going my way lately but I still feel that we made progress. Not as much as I would like and not as much as I feel that I deserve, but progress nonetheless. I wouldn’t say that the decision suggests that USA swimming was right in what it did. It simply means that we can’t turn back time on what happened and make me and 2008 Olympian as I should be.

I wish Rebecca Soni, the person who is going to swim Jessica Hardy’s vacant spot, the best of luck. I’ll be cheering for her as hard or harder than anyone else and I hope that she and the rest of the team swim very well. I also hope that this has not been a distraction to them but I felt that it was necessary to everyone in swimming that I make this stand to have rules fixed for the future. It wasn’t something I enjoyed but it was something that had to be done.

USA swimming should not take this decision to mean that they won and that they don’t have to change anything. That’s why the Arbitrator has kept the case to consider what else it might be appropriate for him to do. Clearly, the selection procedures were flawed and only a fool would leave them as they are to await the next disaster. Let’s hope that at some point they are willing to acknowledge their mistake.

Today, Jessica Hardy withdrew from the Olympic team to continue her positive drug test appeal at a later date. Regardless of intent, this must be a terrible day for her. For all that I went through over the past month, her experience is certainly worse. But where does it all leave me, the third-place finisher behind Jessica? Not on the Olympic Team it seems.

USA swimming, citing trials criteria, has declined to add anyone to the team. However, I think that if you were to ask anyone at Trials what should happen if the first place finisher were to test positive for a banned substance, they would tell you that 3rd place would move up. Such is the culture of our sport. Not so today.

I’m frustrated and disillusioned. But most of all, I am saddened that the people and organizations that I gave a huge part of my life to couldn’t bring themselves to do the right thing. To make this situation right. I do not believe that the will to act could not have changed this situation.

It is clear that along this road, from the timing of trials, to the USADA testing, to who knew what on July 21st, to this last decision, errors were made.  And at this point, no one in the leadership of our sport is acknowledging that. Or if any acknowledgment is made, it is an ever-circling blame game.

What disappoints me the most is that this may very well be my final taste of swimming. I’ll always take joy in the success of my friends and the girls that I mentored but it’s hard to imagine a time when my memories of swimming will not be flavored with the bitterness of this situation.

I’m not sure what I can do for myself. But I think that it is vitally important to make sure that something like this doesn’t happen again. I don’t think that change can occur without the acknowledgement that mistakes happened. But since no mistakes are being admitted to, that means that my fight is not over.

The beauty of our sport has always been its ability to be so starkly black and white. In the swimming world our judge is the clock. Our measuring device cannot lie, it cannot blink, and it cannot make an error in judgment. It can be brutal, as I learned first hand at trials, but it is always fair.

The judgment of the clock is something that I accept. And no matter how I rail against the vagrancy of fate in the separation of 100th of a second, I understand that the clock holds the final sway. But now I suspect that I am not on the Olympic team because of a human decision. And that does not sit well.

The excuse that the deadline for nominations to the U.S. Olympic Team has passed is an empty explanation for my exclusion from the team. I have been told by people within the USOC and USA swimming that USA swimming knew about the positive drug test before the entry deadline.

I’m not sure what to think about this as I have talked with many different people who have been telling me different stories. I have asked others to investigate what happened and my future options. I want to believe that there are people at USA Swimming and the USOC doing the right thing. I hope that they are.

I know that there is the option of arbitration before me. But I am hesitant to be the swimmer who forces her way onto the team. And there is still the issue of Jessica’s hearing. Honestly, I hope that she is found innocent of doing anything wrong. If she didn’t cheat then she should have the spot that she has been preparing for.

All of the rest of this is to figure out the landscape around her fight. I have always considered myself a team player and want the U.S. to do it’s best in Beijing. But on the other hand, if that spot opens up, it is my spot. And I should be given the option of swimming.

I deserved to have honesty and transparency from USA Swimming. I have been team captain of four national teams. I have been involved in USA Swimming developmental camps. I have always put myself forward to be their good example. I understand what representing this country means.

Here is what I want to have happen: USA swimming fights to put Lara, Amanda, and me on the team in the unhappy event that Jessica cannot take up her spot. They name us to the team and we train. USA Swimming works to give us the option to swim, a difficult task as they have to make it through the IOC and FINA.

When the final entry deadline for individual events comes up we evaluate where we are and if it would be best to have other athletes swim our events. There would be no reason for us to lie as we would already be named to the team and no one wants to be embarrassed at the Olympics.

My Olympic dream was always to represent my country in triumph. I would never steal that opportunity from Rebecca Soni if I didn’t think that I could give it an honest effort. What I think that I deserve (again this is only if Jessica’s hearing does not go well) is the opportunity and the option to see what I can do.

What I really wish is that none of this had happened. I was on the road to recovery and now it is all messed up.

A note to everyone who’s wondering what’s going on.

Greg told me Thursday morning that he had read in the Mercury News online that Jessica Hardy, one of the girls who finished ahead of me at Trials, had tested positive for a banned substance. The media was also reporting that the roster for the Olympic Team had already been finalized and that I could not be added to the team.

I had and still have many questions pertaining to the timeline of events and the results of these tests. I feel certain that someone along the way failed me and Lara, who would have been named to the team in the 50 free. The results of the drug test should have come back earlier, at least in time to name alternates to the team. It has, after all, been three weeks since the tests were taken. Did they come back earlier? If so, why am I just hearing about it by reading the newspaper and why am I not on the team? If not, why did they take so long?

I emailed USA swimming but did not get a response over the day.

In the evening I called Lea, my coach, who was trying to figure out exactly what had happened. It seemed that people were simply saying the deadline had passed and that we had to move on. That answer was not good enough for either of us. It is not acceptable to us that the dreams and work of four hard years be shrugged off on a technicality.

I called the head of USA swimming and left a message. He called me back and said that they were following entry procedures and that it was too late to add me to the team and that Jessica would be going through appeals for her drug test. I asked him to make an appeal to change the final roster and, after a long and emotional plea, he agreed.

That is where I am at right now. Before today I had thought that responsibility for me not making the team rested on my shoulders. If I had just swum to my abilities I would have made the team. It was a difficult situation but one in which I could only look within for answers. Today the situation seems much more gray. The fault now lies on many shoulders and I fear that incompetence, laziness and deceit may have played a role. That is much harder to take. Regardless of intent, mistakes were made and I am paying for them.

People I trusted to do their jobs and to ensure the working order of the system we put in place for our sport failed me. I hope that I am not being unreasonable in my analysis of the situation. But I just cannot stand the thought of these organizations, which are supposed to protect me, sitting on their hands while my dreams are being ripped away. I cannot go quietly away in this; I’ve worked too hard. I hope that you support me.